By Marlys Peterson, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor
In October of this year, I had the joy of taking my mom to visit her three “younger” siblings who all live in West Virginia. Amidst the yellows and reds of fall leaves, my mom’s siblings gathered around the family dinner table to tell stories that included childhood to the present. This gathering around the table has been a familiar tradition I have witnessed during each visit since childhood. At this particular visit, my aunts and uncles ranging in age from 76 to 86, turned towards each other again to share the joys, losses and sorrows amidst laughter and tears.
As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday and the tradition of expressing thankfulness by gathering and eating around the table with family and friends, I wonder if focusing only on thankfulness—the common focus of this tradition—results in a great loss. I say this because I believe focusing only on thankfulness often falls short because it doesn’t tell the whole truth. Would it be possible that acknowledging and expressing pain and loss, right alongside our words of thanks could actually deepen our gratitude?
Curt Thompson, MD, psychiatrist and author in his book, The Soul of Desire: Discovering the Neuroscience of Longing, Beauty, and Community states, "We cannot truly experience deep joy and gratitude until we are willing to be honest about the depth of our grief. Joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive; they are woven together in the human heart."
So what would this shift in approaching a more authentic Thanksgiving practically look like? It could potentially mean:
Changing the traditional sharing time around the table by each person starting with, “I am thankful for..” to something like, “in the midst of (blank), I am thankful for (blank).”
It could simply be holding intentional space for those who are hurting by not shying away from or avoiding asking about their pain or simply by bravely naming your own
It could be serving at a Homeless Shelter or Mission and immersing yourself amongst those who know deep hardship, and who often are the first to express gratitude
Whatever you move towards, my hope is that as you sit at your table this Thanksgiving there is room for all. That there is space not only for our gratitude but also for one another’s losses, confusion, grief, and fears with the knowledge that one does not eliminate the other. Instead, they can actually deepen the other in surprising and hope-filled ways.
To schedule an appointment, email Marlys directly at marlys@livingwholehearted.com.
